For the past month or so I've been dealing with some physical issues. Nothing super serious, but painful, annoying things. I have been having pain in my jaw and teeth, which the dentist says is from me grinding my teeth or clenching my jaw in my sleep. I've bought a mouth guard to sleep with but it doesn't seem to be helping so far. I have the pain and it gives me low grade headaches too. I've got some bad allergies and now I have an allergy in my esophagus which feels like pressure in my chest. I have about four or five migraines a month that can be debilitating. And a week or so ago I started having pain in my left knee, which feels swollen. It difficult to walk at times. I have seen a dentist, a general practitioner, a GI, and an allergist. Some of these problems are chronic and they get better and come back. I'm tired of going to the doctor for them, because the doctors all want tests and more tests and to send me to specialists, etc. Nothing ever seems to come from it and the condition goes dormant until the next flare up.
So I'm loathe to do anything at this point.
I made an effort this year, for about six months, to do daily exercise. I feel like it's just an uphill battle with this body. Nothing I do makes much of a difference. I know I don't have any serious issues like cancer or multiple sclerosis. But I do deal with a great deal of pain on a fairly regular basis.
I know all things work to the good for those who love God. I struggle sometimes trying to see how all these conditions work to my or anyone else's good. Pain makes me grouchy and angry, short tempered, self focused.
I know there have been many saints who bore pain for God. St. Pio had the Stigmata, but he also had kidney stones, ulcers, tumors, asthmatic bronchitis, ear infections, sinusitis, pleurisy and arthritis. In addition, he describes times when demons would fight him and torment him bodily. He was also vilified by his own Church, and suffered great anguish in not being able to function fully as a priest for years at a time. Yet, in all things, Padre Pio was obedient and bore it all patiently. He did not protest or fight for himself. He still was able to build his hospital for the suffering and mentor many spiritual children. He had the gifts of bilocation, healing, and reading of souls.
I sometimes can reach a point where everything irritates me and I want to push away even the good things God gives me. Resentment can and has made me hard hearted at times. I can't see the blessings. I can't feel God near.
But when I am able to focus outward, in prayer or in service to others I can break free. Every week I visit my ex mother in law, Carolyn (we call her Bubba) in the nursing home. She has been good to me since I met her when I was 16 years old and I am devoted to her. She has issues with a Parkinsons like condition, which leave her too weak to walk alone, and sometimes she becomes combative and uncooperative, wanting to get up out of her chair or bed unattended (risking a fall) and crying uncontrollably. Most days she's ok when we visit. Her hair is an issue because she doesn't get it washed enough. She has a hairdresser appointment weekly but she often refuses it. Last week her hair was really bad, I could see how flaky her scalp was, etc. So I took her up to the hairdressers but the lady was not in. So I washed her hair as best I could at the sink, and dried it, and fixed it up for her. It was a messy gross job, but as I did it I felt good. It was good to do something kind, something useful for someone who really needed it. I know it probably felt good to her to have her hair clean but she does not enjoy the process, so that wasn't it. It felt like I was doing the right thing, and it made my heart glad.
Focusing on others, especially those who can't pay you back, is healing. I am working on viewing my aches and pains as something I can offer to God, to give a gift to someone else who can't pay me back. A sacrifice. Isn't it funny how God works like that, that in giving we are healed?
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